Giant-Size Man-Thing #1 (1974)

Arguably the most disgusting title for a comic, "Giant-Size Man-Thing" is the butt of many jokes (although, if you think about it, "Black Goliath" could've been the name of a Dolemite sequel). But just because a joke's over-used, that doesn't mean it's not a good one. In fact, I picked up this rag at the San Diego Comic Convention this summer, with my girlfriend in tow. I asked her to hold it while I dug into my wallet; then I informed her that she was "the only person in the world who has held my Giant-Size Man-Thing". Lemme' tell ya, you're just not a mackin' stud until you've busted out the comic book jokes on your Main Chickie, sporto. I figure I'll crack off a joke about Power Girl's juggs to her, eventually.

But while everyone knows and fears "Giant Size Man-Thing", has anyone actually read it? Lucky for you, that's what I'm here for: to handle "Giant Size Man-Thing". You may giggle about my "Giant-Size Man-Thing", but only I have the courage to jump right in, grab my "Giant Size Man-Thing", open it up and tell you all about it. Together we'll share --and discover--- the true enjoyment of my "Giant-Size Man-Thing".

Like 99% of all Man-Thing stories, this one opens in a swamp. A group of scientists are intent on building a "bio-sphere" type of project, but they're hassled by a cult of entropists. The entropists believe in disorder and that all men as destined to become nothing but dust...which has led them to all wear matching red robes, hang out in swamps and carry a glowing, golden brain around. Wait... back up: a glowing, golden brain?! Indeed...they even carry it around in a special glass container (sorta' like one of those plastic eggs that spout out from the 50 cent novelty toy machines in the KMart lobby).

Officially dubbed "The Golden Brain", it's quickly used by the entropists to summon a demon to fight Man-Thing. That doesn't last too long as, in the fracass, the demon is dispersed, the entropists bolt and the Brain is dropped deep into the swamp. If this had been "Mini-Size Man Thing", that would've been the end...

After everyone has cleared out, the Golden Brain floats around in the murk, then pops out of water like a mudskipper and begins evolving. The Brain remembers that it once was... the GLOB! A big...umm, glob... that fought the Hulk a few times. But on their last encounter in Miami, the Hulkster ran wild all over the Glob as he/it was zapped by high voltage lines and dispersed into "ten thousand bits". Now, how those bits suddenly became a brain, placed in an glass egg and became the possession of the entropy cult .... is probably something left to "Marvel Chillers". So the Golden Brain's career as a disembodied brian comes to an end, as it evolves into a nude blond guy. But, unlike the Golden Brain, nude blond guy is not given a proper name by the narration boxes. Instead, a few days pass and the passive nude blond guy joins up with the bio-sphere project; now up and running with the name "Omegaville". Nude blond guy is given the anme "Joe"..along with a rake and a pair of clothes, so he can do meanial tasks around Omegaville. All seems happy, but the entropists are still pissed off and want their Brain back.

Led by a guy named Yagzan, the entropists sneak into Omegaville and get "Joe" to devolve back into the Glob. Man-Thing shows up again and another brouhaha breaks out. It's a pretty disgusting fight, even. Four pages of ol' moldy banana-nosed Man-Thing knocking squishing body parts off of the Glob.

After Man-Thing pummels it into...umm, a glob (no capitalization necessary), Yagzan tries to get it to snap back into shape. But the glob rises up and turns into movable clay. Clay that forms around Yagzan then hardens; suffocating and killing him. Man-Thing wanders off, as it's a somewhat fitting ending for Yagzan the entropist, who believed all men would eventually turn into dirt. Oooo...

If this had been "Regular-Size Man-Thing", that would've been the end....

Next we get "Manny's Triple Feature Show"! Three oddball reprints from Marvel's pre-superhero days of the early 60's. The first is "Ice-Monster Cometh" from Amazing Adventures #11 by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko. Set somewhere in Europe, It's about a jewel thief named Hugo Bogg who buries his loot under a tree. He comes back years later, only to find that an entire village has sprung up around the tree. To get the villagers out, he does the ol' Scooby-Doo Villain Trick by dressing up as the "Ice-Monster" to scare everyone away. The plan works and everyone disperses. But then the REAL Ice-Monster shows up! The Ice-Monster speaks perfect English and is thrilled to see what he believes is another Ice-Monster. Creepy dialogue follows:

The Ice-Monster then drags poor ol' Hugo off to his cave for what sounds like some Ice-Monster on Ice-Monster man-love! Moral of the story: never bury your loot under a tree in Europe and dress up like a yeti, else you'll get cornholed by the real-thing!

If this had been "Slightly-Larger-than-Regular-Size Man-Thing", that would've been the end....

We also get "The Invisible Man" from Stange Tales Annual #2 by Jack Kirby. It's about a scientist who discovers a way to become a super-speedster. He runs so fast that everyone thinks he's "invisible". After a few weeks of peforming mischievious pranks, he finally looks in the mirror and sees that the super-speed has aged his body by forty years! Now he's an old man and walks around slowly to conserve time. Not a good comic book story, but this would've made a great episode of "The Twilght Zone".

If this had been "Deluxe-Size Man-Thing", that would've been the end....

The final story is a two-part doozy about Goom. That's GOOM the THING from PLANET X!!! An ambitious scientist finds ways to contact "other dimensional planets" and broadcasts a message to Planet X. GOOM picks it up and heads to Earth for some destruction. Looking like a stocky pink hippo and bent on taking over Earth, Goom seemingly can't be stopped. He has a personal forcefield, advanced machinery, incredible strength and even talks about himself in the third person! Can nothing stop GOOM?!!

But while GOOM takes over the world, the scientist beams a second message to Planet X. More ships arrive from Planet X.... but their occupants are benenvolent, not meanies like GOOM. They're all wearing clothes and announce that GOOM is an outcast from their world. They're all nice people, but GOOM is the bad apple of the planet. They take GOOM back to Planet X and wish Earth a good day.

Yes, this is finally the end of "Giant-Size Man-Thing"! 68 Big Pages of wacky Marvel stuff. It's amazing that Pip the Troll wasn't in this thing. But now you can say that you've not only seen my Giant-Size Man-Thing...you've also experienced it. Way to go, bunky.

Summary:Three gloopy monsters, a Golden Brain, a nude blond guy, some Ice-Monster man-love, a Twilight zone screenplay and GOOM the nekkid pink hippo with big ol' choppers
Cover price:.50
Rating: 1.50

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