COMICS-(WHEN HYPERTIMES COLLIDE)

"Snakes....why did it haveta be SNAKES??!!" Hypertime Arena Matches are always a special occassion, here at OP38-land. But this particular match is more special than all the other specials that have been specialized...or something. You may notice something peculiar about this match. It comes to us from the ECW Bingo Hall in Philadelphia and thus, is the very first Three Way Dance in the history of eStragand.com's Hypertime Arena. The issue? Just who is the the "King Snake"?

Typically, we take a famous comic book character and pit him against a pro wrestling counterpart. But, sometimes a feud knows no boundaries..as the Oakland Raiders' Ken "The Snake" Stabler has come out of retirement to throw his hat into the ring and settle the snake dispute. Stabler was instrumental in the Raiders' (semi) glory days of the 70's, quarterbacking the team to a Super Bowl win over the Minnesota Vikings in 1977. A former Alabama Crimson Tide gunslinger, Stabler typified the Raiders' rogue image. Holding many Raider passing marks, he retired in 1984, did a broadcasting gig for TNT in 1990 and now pimps himself out for personal appearances via his website.

On the comic side of things, we have the Supreme Snake himself, Cobra Commander. A former car salesman, Cobra Commander masterminded a door-to-door pyramid scam (think: Amway) and became head of the international terrorist organization known as Cobra. Despite may assasination attempts and hare-brained schemes, Cobra Commander keeps bringing Cobra back to menace the Real American Heroes of the world.

Our final serpentine entrant is Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Probably best known for his tour in the World Wreslting Federation during the mid to late 80's, Jake was one of the premier performers of his time. His creepy interviews, DDT finisher and mascot Damien and well remembered in the pro wreslting world. Jake is also remembered for his role in 1999's "Beyond the Mat", where he abuses substances like a redneck abuses his wife.

Tale o' the Tape- Stabler vs. Commander vs. Roberts
	Stabler	Cobra Commander	Roberts	Advantage
Boss	John Madden/ Al Davis	none- head of own terrorist network	Vince McMahon	Cobra Commander
Signature move/play	The Holy Roller Play	Throwing a tantrum and smashing own stuff	DDT	Jake Roberts
Contemporaries/co-workers	Dave Casper, Fred Biletnikoff, Art Shell	Destro, Baroness, Zartan, Dr. Mindbender	Damien the snake, Lucifer the snake	Ken Stabler
Arch Enemies	Pittsburgh Steelers, Denver Broncos, KC Chiefs	G.I. Joe, Snake-Eyes, the US	Honkytonk Man, Rick Rude, sobriety	Cobra Commander
High point	Superbowl XI	Returning from the dead and sending his enemies into a volcano	WrestleMania 3	Cobra Commander
Low point	Playing for the New Orleans Saints; working for TNT	Getting shot in the back by Fred VII	Wrestling in North Platte, NB, then getting stoned	Jake Roberts
TV exposure	NFL telecasts, 70-'s-80's	G.I. Joe cartoons, 80's -90's	WCCW, WWF and Mid-South, 80's - 90's	Ken Stabler
Helmet	Silver and black Raider emblem	Lined with plastic explosives	none	Cobra Commander
Merchandise	Football cards, replica jerseys	Cereal, action figures, lunchboxes	Crappy action figures, inflatable Damien	Jake Roberts (c'mon...an inflatable SNAKE!)
World Titles won	Superbowl XI	-none-	WCCW six-man title with Gino Hernandez and Chris Adams	Ken Stabler
Favorite hang-out	local bar	Springfield or Cobra Island	local bar	-push-
Methods of attack	Passing, fumbling	Commanding a HISS column	Short-arm clothesline	Cobra Commander
Famous family members	-none-	Billy (son)	Rockin Robin (sister), Sam Houston (brother), Grizzly Smith (dad)	Jake Roberts
Uniform	Raiders' silver and black	Neo-Nazi uniform, hood or steel helmet	Nifty snake pants	Jake Roberts
Other Jobs	TNT host, personal appearance whore	used-car salesman	bible thumper	-push-
Romantic Interests	Raiderettes, Oakland bimbos	-none-	ringside fans	Ken Stabler
Evil deeds	Played for Raiders ('nuff said)	Masterminded mindless sitcoms, took over small countires, brainwashed own son	Tried to brain Miss Elizabeth with a steel chair	Cobra Commander
Last seen...	In beer commercial with Dan Fouts	currently running Cobra in new "G.I. Joe" comic	masturbating with his snake at "Heroes of Wrestling"	Cobra Commander

Final score: 7-4-5-2...here is YOUR winner: Cobra Commander. "Cobraaaaaa!" Not letting any grudge fade away, a few days later, CC would then sic his loyal ninja assasain Storm Shadow on his rivals. Jake was tracked to small hotel in Dubuque, where he was easily disposed. After the Roberts assasination, all further Cobra efforts were blocked by an organization even more sleazy, corrupt and evil than Cobra... the Oakland Raiders. Knowing that there's some slime even THEY won't brush shoulders with... Cobra backed off on the Stabler assasination and concentrated on selling Terror Dromes to the Sierra Gordo goverment.

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