COMICS-G.I. Joe : The Pyramid of Darnkess (Part 3)

Intro/What the Heck??!!
"Three Cubes to Darkness" is our third installment of the "Pyramid of Darnkess". Nevermind that the pyramid consists of FOUR cubes.. this title always confused me and made me think a pyramid only had THREE sides, not four. But as we'll see, the main action of this episode revolves around three cubes. This episode also falls into the old "three remote locations" theme that was rehashed ad naseum in the early GI Joe five parters. Gotta hand it to Cobra... they always planted their stuff in varying climates. They never had their stuff in the middle of a corn field, a parking lot or a Denny's. Always an extreme locale- like the North Pole, 3 miles under the ocean or a giant volcano. They get points for effort.

Would you Please Shut The Hell Up and Get Things Started?!!
Last time, surprisingly enough, Lady Jaye and Flint were about to drown in a lake of umm...lava? mud? JELL-O. Well, Destro's now telling us that it's "mud", so pink mud it is. Destro cackles as the Joes slip under (Drinking game: villain cackles). Destro's cackle is great. He really puts the "mooo" in "Moooowahahahahaha!". You can always tell the EVIL villain, cuz they throw that accentuating "mooo" before their "hahaha's". Not just in cartoons, this is an age old rule of movies, too.

Flint pisses off the new Cobra operative- Dr. Otto Octavius

After sinking about 100 feet down, Lady Jaye pulls out a special bubble-making javelin to save herself and Flint. The gal has more trick arrows than Hawkeye and Green Arrow combined. Aside from saving your bacon while drowning in pink mud, what purpose would a bubble making arrow have? Anyways, Flint and Lady Jaye get mushy for all of about 10 seconds and float back to the top. It's nothing especially steamy, but as a rugrat, this scene made me push the "FF" button on the VCR. The two then attempt to sneak up on the cube, but are accosted by mechanical arms. On the other side of the pink mud, Wild Bill and the nameless flunkies maintain their fire. Amazingly enough, Bill does not puctuate his one line with "yeeee-hooo". (Drinking game: anytime Wild Bill yells "yeeeee-hhoooo", drink)

We cut to Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes and their little friends. The spooky guy in the trench coat turns out to be a Cobra agent named Colonel Slash. Slash hooks up with a Nazi-looking police guy as they tail the Joes. You can tell the police guy is EVIL...cuz he has a goatee. Another rule of cartoons and movies- evil guys have goatees. This rule is faithfully followed, especially in soap operas. The two baddies pick up some Cobra troopers as they follow along. Apparently, this section of Enterprise City has heavy Cobra influence.

"Does this hat make me look.. EVIL??"

Snake-Eyes BURNS the FLOOR!

Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes end up in a joint called "the Snake Club". This joint is SLAMMIN! How can you tell? Cuz it's playing the official "boogy down party music" of Sunbow/Marvel. From 1980 to 1988, Sunbow/Marvel used this same music for all wild parties, rascally teenagers, dance clubs, arcades and discos in 'Spider-Man', 'Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends', 'Incredible Hulk', 'GI Joe' and 'Transformers'. Maybe even in 'Jemm'...but I didn't watch that much. Not sure about 'Bigfoot and the Muscle Machines' or 'Robotix', either.

"Snake Club" is referred to as the "Snake Cafe" and it's funny to note that nobody thinks twice about Shipwreck and his gay ass sailor hat. A showgirl named Satin comes out to perform and immediately takes a liking to Shipwreck. She invites the Joes up on stage during her number. Shipwreck joins the dance line and Snake-Eyes busts out some breakdancing moves. Snake-Eyes is apparently 18 months behind the cool factor. This was the Fall of 1985...and breakdancing was already dead. Oh well, he's a mute ninja and probably didn't get out much. With Satin's help, the Joes escape Colonel Slash and are given disguises: Snake-Eyes gets a dress and Shipwreck gets a banana shirt.

In the meantime, Roadblock, Footloose and Airtight have led a team to the City of the Dead. Tomax, Xamot and the Crimson Guard have already beaten them and are readying their cube for placement. A bunch of nameless Joes accompany our boys. The City of the Dead is guarded by a buncha old Chinese statues. Roadblock steps on a stone and the statues come to life. The statues abduct several Joe flunkies until Roadblock, Footloose and Airtight turn around to see them. Roadblock only rhymes ONCE in this scene, so it must be some pretty serious shit.

Tomax and Xamot are about to activate their cube when they're attacked by another group of statues. This group has a more skeletal appearance and they all carry lightsabers. The Joes arrive to join the fight and Roadblock starts beating the crap out of Xamot. Tomax activates the cube and a big black energy thingie engulfs the area. The beam hooks up with Zartan in Space Station Delta and is locked into place. Roadblock's team escapes with Xamot as a captive. Or maybe it's Tomax... we'll know in the next episode.

There's also some fun with Alpine and Bazooka's team at the Mountain of Glass, the obligatory cold weather environment. Cobra has sent Major Bludd to plant this particular cube on top of the mountain, with a platoon of new Snow Serpents. Bludd's gotta be ticked: this is the second time in three years that he's had to handle the cold weather job. The Joes arrive in Snow Cats- perhaps THE coolest vehicle from the 1985 toy line. Surprisingly, for the first time in the series, we're taken to a sub-zero climate and Snow Job is nowhere in sight. But Tollbooth and the Bridgelayer are...

Alpine and Bazooka attempt to attack Bludd's cube on foot. However, they need to make a path for the Joes' armor. Alpine breaks out his yodel, which causes a perfectly placed avalanche to land exactly in front of the tanks and provide a ramp up to Bludd's encampment. Damn, that's precision.... with one yodel Alpine can re-arrange geography. Why do the Joes need all these tanks and shit...they can just have Alpine yodel. Black Bolt's got nothing on this guy! The avalanche is not 100% perfect... the Joes still have a small gap to traverse, which allows the Bridgelayer to get some screentime.

Alpine breaks out his cimbing gear and leads Bazooka up the mountain. They try to rapel down to the cube, but Bazooka slips and causes a mini-avalanche. The two Joes are buried and soon dig out. Bazooka's ankle is twisted, so Alpine hoists him up, piggy-back style. While Tollbooth and the Snow Cats attack from below, Alpine and Bazooka are disoriented and wander off into an iceflow. They're tailed by Storm Shadow and a small group of Snow Serpents. The ice starts to crack and they find themsevles floating away. Storm Shadow says "let them go..the elements shall decide their fate". Right on cue, two FEROCIOUS leopard seals start to attack the Joes, with all the fury of two terriers. And THAT is your cliffhanger ending! Yes, leopard seals can be dangerous... but it's hardly a deadly cliffhanger. Hmm.. a robotic security guard, pink JELL-O and now 50 pounds of WILD LEOPARD SEAL. Maybe they WERE running out of ideas?

Overview/Dumb Comments
Gets a little crazy and ALOT of crap happens in this episode. Of the four scenarios presented, the Shipwreck/Snake-Eyes one seems to be the best. In previous years, the GI Joe five-parters spent alot of time developing the remote locations. In the middle episodes of the 1983 and 1984 serials, huge emphasis was placed on these. Here, there is some emphasis... but it seems slapped together. Furthermore, each remote team has only three recognizable characters: Wild Bill, Flint and Lady Jaye at the Devil's Playground. Roadblock, Airtight and Footloose at the City of the Dead. Alpine, Bazooka and Tollbooth at the Mountain of Glass. A big difference from previous years, when it seemed the entire team converged on each location.

Fun slip-up in the City of the Dead. When Roadblock and the others attack the Crimson Twins, Dusty is shown hanging around. Dusty had only a cameo appearance this time, as he and Mutt floated around the space station watching Zartan link the cubes. I noticed another funny thing about Space Station Delta: the Joes are being forced to work as slaves, building worthless electronic stuff for Cobra... and this even includes Junkyard. Apparently, dogs know how to splice wires. We're also never told WHAT the Joes are being forced to work on... or why Cobra needs them around. They're just "working" on big-ass electronic boxes. A scene that, no doubt, inspired Qwest.

Part four is next, as that's usually what's after part three. It includes the debut of a new Joe, plus Cobra's cube is completed and it actually WORKS! Be here..sometime soon... for part four of the Pyramid of Darkness!

Forward to PART FOUR and FIVE

Back to PART TWO

Comment about this article. Contact The Asshole Who Wrote This!

Back to TV stuff Index