Cactus Sacked

Phoenix and My Amazing Drive Down There
Drove to Phoenix last week, and along the way I was run off the road by a semi, took out a mile marker and got stranded in a blizzard. I'm going back to Florida and the Grapefruit League next year.

Santa Fe got nailed by 12-15 inches of snow. That qualifies as a Road Closing Blizzard. Albuquerque, the wimpy shit town to the south of Santa Fe, received a whopping 4 inches. They were ready to call out the National Guard and declare martial law.

I stopped in the middle of I-25, just past Glorieta, NM to break the ice off of my wipers around 4 pm. Snow was blowing in all directions and I didn't see a single pair of headlights in front of me, behind me, or coming the opposite way. I stood there for about 5 minutes... and nothing. What a way to start off a spring break...sitting in a fricking blizzard busting ice off of your ride.

4 inches of snow and Albuquerque's ready to call out the National Guard.

I've renamed Fort Courage, "Fort Erection", due to the hot 22 yr old Indian chic behind the giftshop's counter.

All buildings in Phoenix are built in four colors. The desert-y earthtones..and an orange-ish brown.

Sorry, Phoenix, but a NEW strip mall does NOT deserve to be on your city's list of "attractions". But maybe there are hordes of tourists out there who travel thousands of miles to see Best Buy, Lowe's and Red Lobster.

Scottsdale is home to the Crappiest Bar in North America- Mickey's Hangover. Terrible service, terrible sound system, awful song selection, warm beer, high cover, and crappy seating. They were going for a humorous 1980's basement look, with old kitchen chairs and ugly couches. Sounds funny, but the seats were worn. Had to wait 15 minutes to get a beer from the bartender-- a dumbfuck in his late 20's trying to look like Johnny Rotten. Sound was so bad I had to write my order down on the back of a business card and give it to him. Music was cranked incredibly high--usually that's fine, but when the SYSTEM can't handle it, it sounds like an old 1978 boombox being played through a metal trash can. The music selection seemed to be "Now that's What I Call Crappy Non-Offensive White-Friendly MTV Rap Tunes from the Late 80's and Early 90's!". Salt n' Pepa ("Push it", "Let's Talk About Sex"), Tone Loc ("Wild Thing", "Funky Cold Medina"), DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince ("Parents Just Don't Understand") Young MC ("Bust a Move"), Skee-lo ("I Wish"), Snow "(Informer") and even Vanilla Ice. Of course, if that's your music of choice, you'd THINK they'd play House of Pain on St. Patrick's Day. But they were beyond clueless. Thankful that I missed that shitty "Come baby come--baby, baby, come, come!" song.

Dress up a desert all you want, but it's still a desert.

Remaining Cactus League Parks

Phoenix Municipal Stadium (Oakland A's)
Phoenix Municipal is probably my favorite Cactus League park. It's easy to get to and there's plenty of free parking. Oh, the dweeb who wrote the "fan guide" on MLB.com doesn't think there's free parking, but that's cuz' he's playing by the rules. Thousands of free spots are available across the street in the Phoenix Zoo/Papago Park area.

The stadium is probably the most Arizona-y park down there. The other parks could be picked up and placed anywhere, but Phoenix Municipal takes advantage of the local scenery. The hills of Papago Park dot the left field wall, and the park itself is a good visit after the game. Wait out rush hour traffic by hiking through the park.

During the game, the end of the left field bleachers is a good place to hang out and drink beer. The A's added a ridiculous "Fan Zone" out there, consisting of a speed pitch machine and a giant air bed. All of 12 fans enjoyed those attractions, while the rest sat around and mingled. The stadium was Phoenix's main field back in the days of the Triple A Firebirds, and several "great moments in Phoenix baseball history" are enscribed in the walkways. Such as how Phoenix swindled the Cubs into coming to town and how the Giants trained there after the 1989 World Series earthquake. The A's also lead the Cactus League in Hot Chix Attendance.

Scottsdale Stadium (San Francisco Giants)
Scottsdale Stadium is located in the posh Scottsdale region (obviously). Built right next to a medical complex, there's lots of free parking. Just be aware of the signs, as many spots are reserved for medical personnel or patient pick-up. The stadium itself is nothing too fancy and you can't talk 10 feet without a mention of the Scottsdale Charros-- a local Elks' Lodge type of group, made up of volunteer geezers. They work the seats, sell programs and shit. They even have their name on the fucking PROGRAM. I imagine they sit around all year, playing bingo and waiting for the Giants to come back to town. Sad thing is... in 40 years I'll probably be on a similar volunteer geezer group, supporting around the Pirates.

Right field is a good place to hang out. There's a grill out there and lots of places to sit and mingle. You can walk through each outfield seating area, but centerfield is blocked off. Slightly annoying that the concourses are not adjoined in a complete circle. Strange but true: the power went out in the bottom of the eighth inning. After 15 minutes, the game was called on account of darkness. Possibly the first time that's happened since Wrigley Field in the 80's.

Surprise Recreation Campus/Bill Parker Field (Kansas City Royals and Texas Rangers)
Surprise Recreation Campus is a nice complex...for the players. For fans, it simply sucks. Every town has the "Edge of Civilization" shopping complex: usually a strip mall, a few restaurants, maybe a Wal-Mart or a hardware store. Surrounding the complex is desolation...and maybe a few condos. Surprise Recreation Campus is located in an identical spot. The practice fields are open to the public, but you have to walk around the ENTIRE complex to get in. As the crow flies, the distance from the stadium to the fields is roughly 100 feet. Fans have to EXIT the stadium, then walk around the outside of all the fields for roughly a mile to get to the practice fields. Incredibly discouraging and not fun at all.

Each outfield corner has a clubhouse for each home team. Rangers in right, Royals in left. Even if it's a Rangers home game, they still sell programs with an alternate Royals cover. The insides of the programs are identical, just different covers (comic book fans know all about this technique). Batting cages are built beyond each concourse, but good luck seeing any players in them. Also, before a game, players do NOT take BP or infield practice in the stadium. In other words, you wont see any players until a few minutes before first pitch. The Stadium looks bigger than its size, but several bad sightlines are built in. If you sit on the third or first base side, towards the top, you can't see the batter's box. Not alot of hardcore baseball fans were on hand, mostly tourists and families in their mini-vans.

Despite the size and open-ness of the area, there is approximately ONE road into the complex. In a crowd of less than 6,000, it took over 40 minutes to get out of the parking lot. I've been to Bronco games with 75,000 and have gotten out of the lot in a fraction of that time. Skip this facility unless you're a completionist or an insane Royals or Rangers fan.

Maryvale Baseball Park (Milwaukee Brewers)
Maryvale Baseball Park is worth visiting again. The 100 feet between the stadium and the practice fields are open to the public! Unlike most parks, Maryvale's gates don't open until 90 minutes before the game. There was a HUGE crowd being held up at the main gate. Coicedentally or not, the team store was open!

It's a nice park with good seating and a nice general admission outfield. But a large problem existed with the concessions. They only had four concessions windows, each staffed by TWO people. In other words, the entire stadium had 8 people trying to serve 6,000 people. No outfield stands or wandering concessionaires, either. Bring a lunch if you go to Maryvale. Otherwise you'll miss 3 innings waiting in line. On the plus side, starvation is a good way to avoid inflated ballpark food prices.

The Running Sausages come down to Arizona for the Spring, as well. They run their little race around the 6th inning, and head up the first base side for photo ops. You'll also hear Milwaukee's traditional "Roll Out the Barrel" immediately following "Take Me out to the Ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch.

It's also a great spot for autographs. Along the outfield walls as usual, but after the game head to the concourse at the end of right field. Players exit the field, then walk up the steps to the concourse. A gate with wide openings allows you to haggle easily. By the way, Prince Fielder gets my award for Stinkiest Player in MLB. I was roughly 10 feet away, but damn that boy STUNK!

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