Get the f*ck outta' my seat
May 4, 2009
Aww...isn't it cute?! A little toddler all dressed up in a cutey wutey little baseball outfit at a real big league ballgame! Have you ever seen anything so precious? So magical? Just think of all the festive and joyous moments that could take place with such a happy little sprite like this at a ballgame!

Like the kid screaming throughout the game for a ball to be thrown their way.

Or the kid running around the stands and whining about getting cotton candy, dippin' dots or M&M's.

Or the kid taking up an entire bathroom stall for 10 minutes while his daddy teaches him the miracle of the toilet flusher and how to pee standing up.

Or the way they'd rather be at home playing video games instead of watching this game that their dad dragged them to, because "it's a tradition in my family".

Or the way ushers will let those precious little scamps get away with screaming for 3 hours because "aww, c'mon...they're just little KIDS".

To all this, I say: fuck 'em. I've had enough games ruined by screaming, misbehaved kids. Leave the kids at home. Or drop 'em off at Chuck E. Cheese. Or duct tape their mouths shut and leave 'em in the back of your minivan. In short, keep the little turds away from the ballpark.

Simply put: if you're not of legal driving age, then you have NO business at a ballpark. Ballparks should be a 16 or older crowd. Bars are 21 and older. NC-17 movies were/are 17 and older. Voting booths are 18 and older. Ballparks should be 16 and older. If you're younger than that: tough shit; wait 'til you're 16. Then you can come to scream, pee and eat dippin' dots to your heart's content.

I know you're probably saying: "okay, smart guy, whattabout when YOU were a kid, huh?" Well, I went to several games as a kid...and was more concerned about playing tag in the concourse, bugging my parents for money to buy ice cream in a plastic helmet, or wondering why I couldn't get more popcorn. In short, I had no idea what was going on in the field. My parents could've saved themselves a few bucks and dropped me off at Target.

You might also think: "but didn't Branch Rickey create the ol' Knothole Gang concept?!" Yes, he did. But note that the "Knothole Gang" concept mentions kids being OUTSIDE the stadium, looking in through a knothole. That's actually genius when you think about it.

But when I was 17 and went to a game? Damn, it was suddenly the coolest thing ever. It made sense and I was engrossed.

When I DO see a little kid at a game get the occasional ball thrown to them... they simply run to their dad and give him the ball. Dad is thankful that he has a new addition to his Collection of Baseball Crap and didn't have to get off his fat ass for it. "Good job, son! Now go get me another! Oh, see if you can whine and get that Jeter guy to sign it, too!"

Placing a 16 and older restriction on baseball games would have other benefits, as well. Namely, instead of screaming rugrats who contribute to the economny by consuming half a corndog and cotton candy, seats would be filled with patrons who consume alcoholic beverages, BBQ sandwiches and bratwurst. I really don't think the novelty stand would close because they're not selling a $15 stuffed mascot to a kid. To make up for it, they'd probably sell an $18 bobblehead to an adult. If an adult takes a kid's place, they'll spend more money and...Save the Economy!

Plus stadiums could eliminate stupid crap like inflatable castles or jungle gyms. If you're taking a kid to a baseball game for those things...then I suppose you'd also take them to Orlando just to play on a random swingset. In place of an inflatable castle, put an mini electronics store selling gadgets (like those nifty traveller stores you find in airport terminals). That'd make a killing. Can't swing a deal for that? Then put up the ol' standby: another beer or pizza stand.

Baseball parks are sorta' like Las Vegas. Sure, you can take a kid to Vegas... but 95% of the experience is wasted on him. The kid just sees a buncha' sparkly lights...and who are those weird men passing out cards on the street?

If you truly need to do something baseball-related with your kid, then go to their afterschool Little League game. Heck, play Xbox "MLB: The Show" with them. Don't try to disguise your desire to go out and see a big league game with "oh, I'll take the KID". This isn't an EVIL rant because I don't want kids at a ballpark...I think the kids themselves don't want to be at the ballpark. Ballparks don't make for adorable photo opps of you dangling your kid over the dugout. You'd have a much better time going with your adult friends.

Besides, do you really want to take your kid to a place where most of the attendees boo, burp, fart, curse and drink beer?

Unless you can drive (legally), don't go near a ballpark.

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