Roger Clemens gets a new hat (and $22 Mil)
May 31, 2006- Roger Clemens has agreed to return to active duty with the Houston Astros. Before he makes his big league return, the plan is for Clemens to make a few minor league starts. I dunno, but if I'm a 23 year old Triple A hitting prospect, I do NOT want to be at the plate for Clemens's first minor league tune-up. Great.. sit in the batter's box while Ol' Rog finds his groove, experiments with the strikezone and chucks a few pitches high and tight because your elbow's sticking about one inch over "his" plate. Someone's gonna' get fucked up.

It also gives the illusion that the Astros are "competing". The NL Central is St. Louis's division to lose and, at best, it gives Houston a say in the wild card.

If Rog goes 9-1 and notches a 1.81 ERA, it's not that bad of an investment. Some teams haven't given up that much money, upfront, to a mid-season acquisition, but in the long run it costs them about the same.

Also have to consider that Houston hasn't much of an identity in the grand scheme of baseball. Who's the most notable player in the franchise's history-- Craig Biggio? Maybe Bagwell? Nolan Ryan spent his mid-career years there, but people don't immediately visulaize Ryan in an Astros uni. Latching onto Clemens keeps the Astros in the national spotlight for another year. It's almost like a recruitment advertisement. ESPN hasn't mentioned the Astros too much, but now they will.

That lack of an identifiable player has probably led the Astros to dump all that bank into Clemens. They wanna' hold onto him and milk him for all they can.

Get out of Pittsburgh, baby, go...
It's a good time to be a former Pirate. Leaving the Pirates is about the best thing any big leaguer can do nowadays. Look no further than Detroit, where former Bucs skipper Jim Leyland has led the Tigers to the AL's best record. Then check out his coaching staff: filled with former Buccos Andy Van Slyke, Rafael Belliard, Lloyd McClendon, Gene Lamont and Don Slaught. I'm surprised that the pitching coach isn't Ray Miller, Zane Smith or Bob Walk. One of Detroit's best players is another ex-Buc-- first baseman Chris Shelton was in the Pirates farm system before they dumped him in the past year. Now he's come from out of nowhere and seems like not only a Rookie of the Year, but an All-Star and an MVP.

One of the NL's top starters this year is Cincinnati's Bronson Arroyo, a former Buc. Ty Wigginton was a huge bust in Pittsburgh, but now he's mashing for the Devil Rays. Even guys like Kris Benson and Josh Fogg are having relative success with new teams. With free agency, it's easy to make a "Former Guys Who USed to Play for A Certain Team", but for whatever reason being an ex-Buc is good for your productivity and career.

Unless you're Scott Sauerbeck...who was pulled over with a drunk woman driving his car the other night. Sauerbeck fled from police, on foot, and ended up hiding in the bushes. Bushes? What, did the cops give him a 20 second head start, then yell out "ready or not, here I come!"? Okay, so being an ex-Buc isn't a 100% Career Improvement Guarantee. Oh yeah, and Barry Bonds isn't exactly sitting pretty, nowadays.

Dukin' it out
Some positive Pirates news: Zach Duke pitched a shutout against the Cubs in early May.

Half-full view: There will be more shutouts for Duke.

Half-empty view: It was against the Cubs.

Hey, hey, hey...it's Phat Albert
Without Barry Bonds, people might actually be talking about Albert Pujols and his phenomemal season. He needs to send a thank-you gift to Bonds. A fruit basket, a gift certificate for a massage, anything. If Barry wasn't around, sports hacks, the MAXIM crowd and Jay Leno would be all over Poo-holes as "Steroid Suspect #1". 25 homers before June? I don't think Pujols is using or has used steroids...but tell that to the sports hacks, MAXIM crowd and Jay Leno. Here's a tip for Albert, though: make your hat size public. Now. This will not only quell steroid suspicion, but will save us from future "your head's getting fat" jokes. Also, be sure to keep trim. Add about 15 pounds with a mid-riff boiler and you'll be guilty.

Speaking of Bonds (and frankly, who isn't?), he needs to go away soon. I really don't have any problems with Bonds's surly personality. 'mI more pissed at Bonds for going 2-for-237 in the 1991 and 1992 NLCS. But I have problems with the multitude of assholes who are making shitty Bonds jokes. Most people don't give a shit about baseball, but they feel compelled to chime in on Bonds. If you have a Bonds joke brewing in your mind and you don't know what a double-switch is or WHY you might use it, then shut your fucking windpipe, chester. Just because you know about Barry Bonds, doesn't mean you need to talk about him. To most people, baseball's a complete farce and a waste of time because Bonds might have taken steroids.

Here's an example: the other day, a local rock radio station's Wacky Morning DJ's were talking about Barry Bonds "breaking the home run record". Well, last I checked, the home run record is still with Hank Aaron at 755. Another local DJ is organizing an online petition to return the single season home run record to Roger Maris...since, in his mind, this would be a clean record, free of steroids. I'm sure this petition will have all the impact of other online petitions--like the Petition to Get Mama's Family Back on the Air, or Petition for a Trollkins DVD Box Set. (You DO understand that the purpose of online guestbooks, petitions and polls is to increase page views and possibly ad click-throughs, right? Right?!)

When Bonds leaves, the assholes will leave.

Maybe.

The Tony Awards
If Tony LaRussa wins the Manager of the Year this season, don't give him a plaque or a trophy. See what can be done about getting him some new PANTS. Preferrably a pair about two sizes larger.

Egads, it's sick seeing Tony and his Tighties walk out of the dugout for every pitching change. With LaRussa, that's about 12 times a game. If he ever farted, a bubble would appear on his ankles. I thought the Brewers were the only team that had an official sausage. But there's Tony and Lil' Tony parading around the field. Get the man some new pants.

First rule of bar trivia: do NOT shout out the answers
-Memo to Astros and Cardinals announcers: QUIT answering the AFLAC trivia questions, you assholes! A few weeks ago, right out of the box, Al Hrabosky of the Cards crew instantly answered the question, on the air. FUCK! OA few days later, the Astros announcers did the same thing. They put those things up there for US...not for you fat-asses who draw a paycheck from baseball and have the help of a MEDIA GUIDE and a truck-full of statisticians talking in your ear. Dicks.

The Astros question was pretty good and one I might've gotten if given a few minutes. It was: "name the 3 pitchers who have had both a 40 save and a 20-win season in their careers"

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