SPORTS-(BRONCOS)

09/11/05 Vs. Miami Dolphins (L 10-34)
MIA is the common shorthand and airport abbreviation for the city of Miami. This weekend it wasn't an acronym, rather an abbreviation. MIA, or Missing In Action accurately described the state of YOUR Denver Broncos after a 10-34 embarassment by the Miami Dolphins.

The day began ugly enough as all NFL games were prologued by a shitty "live" concert from Washington DC with Jessica Simpson and the Guy WHo Bangs Her. The duo warbled through what vaguely resembled "America the Beautiful". The song was announced as a tribute to 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina Victims. If I had lost a main squeeze in a terrorist attack or my house in a hurricane, I'm sure the sub-cockles of my heart would have been warmed by two talentless hacks trying to sing. Well, it was almost as classless as Garth Brooks and friends singing "Who'll Stop the Rain" at a hurricane relief benefit concert on Friday night (shit, I'm surprised they didn't dig up the corpse of Johnny Cash to sing "4 Feet High and Rising"). But then the punishment really cranked up, as CBS Sports took over the broadcast. The punishment soon reached insane levels of pain as the Broncos and Dolphins kicked off.

After 8 months of hype and build-up, this NFL opener had all the appeal of making candle wax or shaving a hippo's clit. In a true barn burner, the score was 6-3 at halftime. With the low score and the way the Broncos were skidding around the baseball infield, I figured they could get back in the game by getting a few men on base and bringing Todd Helton to the plate. "NFL Action" was anywhere but here.

In a recent interview, Jake Plummer mentioned that he would no longer try to force passes and cause interceptions. Instead, he said he had learned to throw the ball away. I ain't aruging. Plummer was 0 for his first 7 passes and didn't find Rod Smith until 5 minutes left in the second quarter. His counterpart, former Bronco recordholder Gus Frerotte, re-surfaced and didn't play spectacularly. Frerotte played well enough to move the boring Dolphins offense and embarass the Bronco secondary.

The Broncos running game also went MIA. The best offensive play that the Broncos ran was a 50 yard punt-catch-fumble-recover play that went from Todd Sauerbrun to the Dolphins' Les Welker, back to Todd Devoe. And people say Mike Shanahan has lost his knack for innovation! The play scored additional cool points because it was completely invisible to fantasy football! Even CBS couldn't find a way to spin some shitty stats out of the thing.

Mike Anderson left in the first quarter with what was reported as "rib problems". I'm guessing Anderson had too many baby-back ribs the night before and had the shits. The remaining players apparently envied Anderson's early release from the game and the 100 degree heat. By halftime, a large portion of the Bronco team had complained of cramps. The feeling was mutual as the team's shoddy showing gave all their fans a case of indigestion. The team wasn't just MIA, they all became POW's as well. Just like John Rambo, they were kept alive and tortured for what seemed like forever. If the game had gone 30 minutes longer, Dolphins coach Nick Saban would have wheeled out the "old car battery hooked up to the box springs" and strapped the Broncos to it.

At 0-1, the season's obviously not over, but that tremendous shatering sound echoing through Denver is the bubble bursting on this team. The Broncos haven't played an opener this terirbly since.... umm, the Steve Tensi days?! After a 4-0 preseason and a tomato can schedule, fans were euphoric and thinking about division titles and playoff positioning. But just like Jessica Simpson's opening tune-- it may have SEEMED like a good idea, but it was an emabrassing flop.

Besides... the Broncos always play better and sell out the stands in Games With Renee Herlocker on the sidelines.

FINAL CUTS
Jets QB Pennington allowed me to dust off the old Dave Krieg award, with his SIX fumbles. Two fumbles is a problem, but SIX? Expect a shitload of fumble jokes from New Yorkers this week. Or else expect Pennington to have his hands chopped off by a coupla' guys named Vito and Tony
...||... Note to Sports Illustrated: You picked the Carolina Panthers to WIN the Super Bowl. teams that you pick to win the Super Bowl do NOT lose to the Saints. In any year. Terrific journalism there, bunkies
...||... The Saints WON this weekend. I'm sure all eight Saints season ticket holders were delighted. The media's gonna' have to work extra hard to convince me that the hapless Saints are suddenly an inspiration to misplaced hurricane victims
...||... University of Colorado head coach Gary Barnett complained about the Buffs' late starting time this weekend. Their game was tentatively scheduled to end around midnight. No big deal for the Buffs. If the game ended at 12, the players wouldn't have to shower, go back to the hotel, take a nap, eat dinner, etc. It just meant a shorter wait to get to the strip club. The players simply had to shower, change their clothes and head right over to the Landing Strip. No wasting time and it saved gas money for the state-funded university.
...||... From the Miopic Bronco Fan Mailbag: "Put me down for this: they're going 12-4 this year". My predcition, however, is still 8-8.
...||... Apocalyptic Prediction of the Week: the Broncos have a 6-10 in Years That The eStragand Complex Relocates. We're relocating next weekend.

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Back to Broncos 2005 Index

2005 Season Archive
August 20 vs 49ers
August 27 vs Colts
September 02 vs Cardinals
September 11 vs Dolphins
September 18 vs Chargers
September 26 vs Chiefs
October 2 vs Jaguars
October 9 vs Redskins October 16 vs Patriots
October 23 vs Giants
October 30 vs Eagles
November 6 vs Bye Week
November 13 vs Raiders
November 20 vs Jets
November 24 vs Cowboys
December 4 vs Chiefs December 11 vs Ravens
December 17 vs Bills
December 24 vs Raiders
December 31 vs Chargers
January 10 vs Bye Week
January 14 vs Patriots
January 22 vs Steelers
YEAR-END AWARDS
2006 NFL Draft Recap