SPORTS-(BRONCOS)

10/16/05 Vs. New Engladn Patriots (W 28-20)
Good things happen you throw the ball downfield. Sure, Ashley Lelie had been open on several deep routes in previous weeks, but each time the pass had been overthrown like a Francisco Rodriguez pitch. Lelie broke open for a 55 yard pass in the first half and Jake Plummer had one of the more efficient games of his career as the Broncos controlled the defending Super Bowl champions in a 28-20 win.

Plummer had come under fire earlier in the week for a messy incident involving a douchebag "gossip" columinst. Plummer had appeared at a charity function and officially announced Broncos cheerleader Kollette Klassen as his girlfriend. Plummer took offense at the columnist announcing it in her column and supposedly left a profanity laced tirade on her cellphone. Of course, "profanity" is a relative term for this dumbshit soccer-mom columnist, so it's possible that the offensive words involved "gosh-darn" and "stinking". Whatever the case, Plummer seemed unaffected by the mild controversy and connected on 17 of 24 tosses for 262 yards.

In recent weeks, the Broncos appeared to have reverted to the 2001-2002 seasons, when their QB at the time, Worthless McGillifuck would do his best to throw 8 yard hypotanuses. This week, they went after Patriots cornerback Duane Starks, making him look like John Starks. Along with Lelie, Rod Smith also had a big day. The Patriots vaunted 3-4 defense may soon refer to the team's record, as well. On the ground Tatum Bell appears to have landed the featured tailback slot, as he broke off some long runs and contributted with a few long pass receptions of his own.

As usual, the referees did their best to fuck up the game again...and it's now a given that you can expect at least 12 penalties each week. Most of this week's Yellow Coupon Highlights came on 4th down plays. You fantasy football geeks need to add a "guess the penalty yardage" for your weekly tiebreakers. The Patriots even got hit with an ejection, when guard Logan Mankins delivered a cock-punch to the Broncos' Ebenezer Ekuban after a missed field goal attempt.

The Broncos got out to a 28-10 lead in the second half, then seemed to close up their playbook. It's a somewhat troubling habit of recent years. The team gets out to a decent lead, then slows things down with a more conventional playcalling scheme. It almost proved thier undoing as Tom Brady and company staged a Mild Comeback to make the score closer than it had any right to be. Even in the glory years of 1997 and 1998, the team would slow things down and not run up the score when the game was in the bag. It works when you're up 35-3 (for example, did Green Bay really need to put up 52 points against the Saints?), but 28-10 still needs an aggressive game plan. The defense seemed to rein in the blades as well. They seemed to back off on the Patriots wideouts and finished the game with no sacks or turnovers. This was a "pretty" win to go along with the "ugly" wins of the last few weeks. Either one works.

The Patriots weren't out of the game, but when a sizable percentage of your starting lineup is full of reserves, you need alot of luck. Luck wasn't on the Patriots side, and Bill Belichick roamed the sidelines with his usual stoic expression. To me, Belichick always looks like someone's dad on a campout-- walking around with an aimless look, a worn sweatshirt, umcombed hair or a hat that doesn't fit him. The kind of guy you'd expect to see on your way to the showers at the KOA Kampground.

So, the Donkies are now 5-1. Cause for excitement around this town, but still a long way from where they need to be. Bad news is, they only need to win 4 more games for me to lose my 8-8 lunch bet. Good news is, 4 wins may also win them the division. But they've been in this situation before.....

FINAL CUTS
...||...Saw some credit card commercial with shots of Paul McCartney. Never noticed it before, but when Jake Plummer's beard makes him resemble McCartney's bearded look of the late 60's/early 70's.

...||... THAT'S the Tommy Maddox I remember! Four turnovers including an INT returned for a touchdown. The Steelers need to dig up Shawn Moore and tag-team him with Maddox.

...||... ITEM!: The Buffalo Bills have announced that Kelly Holcomb is now their starting QB! Congratulations, Holcomb...you're making a career out of beating out shitty QB's for the starting job on a mediocre squad. Too bad you never backed up Tony Banks-- Banks would've had to retire a few years earlier and save us from his shitty quarterbacking.

...||... Another reason to hate hockey: the aforementioned gossip columnist also noted that Renee Herlocker used to date some mulleted dweeb from the Local Hockey Team.

...||... Oh yeah, a little business to take care of. I mentioned Kollette Klassen above. That would be Broncos Cheerleader Kollette Klassen. I currently do not have any pictures of Kollette Klassen, nor do I have a Kollette Klassen gallery, but if enough people start bugging me about Kollette Klassen, I just might have to work in Kollette Klassen references, the way I do Renee Herlocker. If I DID start babbling about Kollette Klassen ..would Jake Plummer leave a threatening message on my answering machine?

...||... Oh yeah, one final piece o' business. Tune in NEXT WEEK for that Renee Herlocker Stuff Magazine picture. It's around somewhere, but since I'm not into encouraging your masturbation habits, I don't feel like digging it up and posting right now.

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2005 Season Archive
August 20 vs 49ers
August 27 vs Colts
September 02 vs Cardinals
September 11 vs Dolphins
September 18 vs Chargers
September 26 vs Chiefs
October 2 vs Jaguars
October 9 vs Redskins October 16 vs Patriots
October 23 vs Giants
October 30 vs Eagles
November 6 vs Bye Week
November 13 vs Raiders
November 20 vs Jets
November 24 vs Cowboys
December 4 vs Chiefs December 11 vs Ravens
December 17 vs Bills
December 24 vs Raiders
December 31 vs Chargers
January 10 vs Bye Week
January 14 vs Patriots
January 22 vs Steelers
YEAR-END AWARDS
2006 NFL Draft Recap