SPORTS-(BRONCOS)

Mild Note of Even Milder Importance
Added a Donkey FAQ, dealing with recurring questions. Check it out if you have a spare minute.

12/31/05 vs. San Diego Chargers (W 23-7)
Just like all the college teams, the Donkies were scheduled for a season-ending Saucer Game. The team took a trip to San Diego to play on national TV around the holidays. Like the college teams, they probably received the obligatory trip to Sea World, along with a free duffle bag and an iPod. The only thing missing from the game was a pre-recorded video package about Denver with governor Bill Owens saying "this proves that Colorado is a dynamic, interactive and exciting state, with generally nice weather".

But if this had been a college Saucer Game, the NFL would have scheduled two "bowl-worthy" teams.... like the Bills and the Texans. Instead, the Broncos, who were supposed to be in cruise control with nothing to play for, ended up embarassing the Chargers and coming away with a 23-7 road win.

Tatum Bell started at runningback, but fell well short of his 1,000 yard season. I'm sure Bell's heartbroken.... 13-3 is a much more profound number. The Chargers, already eliminated from postseason play, fell to 9-7 and even lost starting quarterback Drew Brees when John Lynch sacked him at the 2 yard line. Lynch's sack didn't injure Brees, rather it knocked the ball loose and Brees was injured while trying to recover it from beneath Mount Gerard Warren. The Donkies recovered and sent Tatum Bell into the endzone one play later.

The Chargers seemed reckless at first, but quickly became a wreck. In the first quarter, they elected to go for it on 4th and 13 and failed. In their defense, the call took place around the Broncos' 35 yard line, just outside of field goal range, but it was still a patented Schottenheimer Brain Fart. Late in the first half, the Chargers again faced a 4th down call: 4th and 3 at the Bronco five yard line. Schottenheimer, at first, called for the field goal unit. After a timeout and a deluge of several fans voicing their polite displeasure, Schottenheimer pulled the kicking unit back and decided to go for it. This time, LaDanian Tomlinson made it into the endzone for the Chargers' lone score of the day. During the halftime interview, Schottenheimer proudly claimed that he "had a plan all along". Sure... just like all your other "plans", Dr. Oppenheimer.... like you planned for Nate Kaeding to miss those fieldgoals in last year's playoffs...or that plan you had for coaching the Redskins....or how you planned for Elvis Grbac to scratch his nuts and waste time before throwing an incompletion to Lake Dawson in the endzone... or that genius plan that called for Earnest Byner to fumble at the 4. But hey, if you can take some pride for making a no-brainer decision about going for it on fourth, then gloat all you want Marty Lombardi!

In keeping with the Broncos' game plan, I feel it's only fair that I stop at this halftime juncture and insert my back-up. Thus, the remainder of this column will be handled by the eStragand Sports Team Back-Up.-

---Begin Back-up Columnist---

Aftur that, the Broncos put in BradLee Van Cleef and Ron Dain. Wessy Duke and Davis Terrell also made it in to try and catch passes. They didn't catch many. Terrell had been inactive all year long, but made a jump for a Van Cleef pass at the end of the field. Van Cleef run more than throwed, but got his feet wet in his first real professunal takcle football action. He not only got his feet wet-- he got his head, shoulder, knees and toes (knees and toes) wet. Mon St. Pope also lined up in a three-point stance on the other side of the ball. He didn't catch passes, either. Jon Linch sacked Phil Uprivers in the endzone and the Broncos got some sort of points. Curry Ohmcocks made an intcept... innercept....PICK. It was a good game that was good because it showed how good the broncos can be when they are more good than an opponent that doesn't have as many good things going for them. Broncos go to playoffs now and will be at home to play either the Paytreeouts, Ben-GAYS (hee hee...get it, Ben-GAYS!! They're GAY!) or Tiger-Cats. Go Broncos. Do Good.

-- End Back-up Columnist---

Game over. Hey, don't laugh....I found this back-up on OrangeMane.com. He also asked that I insert a giant 435 KB animated GIF of John Elway into this page, or an even bigger picture of Al Davis Photoshopped in a latrine. When I told him that was a bad idea, he sent me an email with an animated icon of a smiley face throwing the finger....or vomitting, I couldn't tell.

After the Game-Ending HandShake, the Broncos walked out of the San Diego Saucer at a surprising 13-3. They now get to sit back and watch TV for the next week, until a Jan 14 or 15 home date in the playoffs. What that means for most of you trolls: at least one more week of Renee Herlocker and Kollette Klassen. Right now, they're living large... or will that be Extra Large?

FINAL CUTS
...||...Dick Vermeil retired at an "emotional" news conference. Of course, Vermeil gets emotional reading a bus schedule, so this was especially sappy. He talked about all the progress and success that the Chiefs have had. Hmm.. what progress? In Vermeil's tenure, they went 44-36, with the "highlight" being an embarassing home loss in their lone playoff appearance in 2003. As the Chefs Annoying Radio Guy would say: "MEDIOCRITY! KANNN-ZASSS CITY!!" Good thing the Chefs didn't win anything, or else Vermeil would've cried like Hilary Duff at a pony funeral.

...||...News: Doug Flutie kicked an extra-point dropkick for the first time since WW2. Big deal. Someone's been tracking that stuff? Wanna' impress me with your historical knowledge, play with a leather helmet, or fly in a metal prop plane on your next road trip.

...||...Jim Haslett is out of a job, but there's a possible opening for him: it's only been about 10 years since the last live-action Flintstones movie. He could play Barney Rubble. Someone cold even look up Wayne Fontes for the role of Fred Flintstone. (Yes, after this, I think it's time to retire the Haslett-Rubble jokes).

...||...Triple-A game of the week (if the NFL had a Triple A): San Francisco beat Houston, 20-17. In overtime. OVERTIME? Whose idea was that?! Peter Jackson?!

...||...After sitting through a few College Saucer Games over the holidays, I have a new nightmare: Brent Musburger and Tim McCarver teaming up for a telecast. (With Lisa Guererro as sideline reporter). A sample of the Audio of My Nightmares:
Brent: "Haha..and what a great story this fine young man is"
Tim: "...and just as he's a great story...his teammates also make great catches".
Lisa: "Thanks, Tim. You're right. I was speaking to some of his coaches on the sideline and they informed me that he wears what's called a helmet during most of these games".

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Back to Broncos 2005 Index

2005 Season Archive
August 20 vs 49ers
August 27 vs Colts
September 02 vs Cardinals
September 11 vs Dolphins
September 18 vs Chargers
September 26 vs Chiefs
October 2 vs Jaguars
October 9 vs Redskins October 16 vs Patriots
October 23 vs Giants
October 30 vs Eagles
November 6 vs Bye Week
November 13 vs Raiders
November 20 vs Jets
November 24 vs Cowboys
December 4 vs Chiefs December 11 vs Ravens
December 17 vs Bills
December 24 vs Raiders
December 31 vs Chargers
January 10 vs Bye Week
January 14 vs Patriots
January 22 vs Steelers
YEAR-END AWARDS
2006 NFL Draft Recap