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Vs. New England Patriots (W 17-7) Thanks to Javon Walker and a defense that dictated the game, the Broncos put up a 17-7 beating on the Pats. The Donkies registered no sacks or interceptions, but simply kept the Patriots from converting 3rd downs or getting past the Broncos' 40 yard line. The Patriots didn't score until well into the fourth quarter, as the Donkies became the first defense since the 1942 Cardinals to go 11 quarters without surrendering a touchdown. In other words, they're the first defense without leather helmets to accomplish such a streak. Seems weird that no team has reached that mark, as I would've expected Reggie White's 1991 Eagles or the 1986 Chicago Bears to hold it. On a night when ...gasp.. Chris Simms' SPLEEN seemed to be the biggest story, the Broncos scripted their own notable by-line. This was the first week that Ding Dong #1, Tatum Bell was rightfully announced as the main runningback. In the past, Tatum has shown an inability to move piles or dig for yards, but performed such on Sunday night. Ding Dong #2, Mike Bell spelled him for a few plays, but made no impact. I finally noticed what I don't like about Ding Dong #2-- too often after contact he turns his back towards the line of scrimmage and tries to fall backwards. That's completely back-asswards to the Physics of Runningbacks. The way the human feet are structured, they're designed to deliver more leverage and stength if the body is moving forward. Getting hit, turning around and trying to push yourself forward with your heels doesn't work. Ding Dong #1 had his second 100 yard game, but the real story on offense was Jake Plummer and the New Lord of WR's, Javon Walker. Walker made an amazing catch on a fade route from Plummer to score a TD just before halftime. The Broncos had been slowly driving, 5 or 6 yards at a time. On a third-and-one, they took a chance and threw a deep arc down the sidline. Walker was there to make the catch, score 6 and basically put the game away. In the third quarter, Walker and Plummer hooked up again. This time for 83 yards and another score. Most impressive was that the throw was about 20 yards, with the remaining 63 delivered by Walker's open-field running. Walker hardly looked winded as he crossed into the endzone. He could have turned around and run another 100 yards. The Patriots defensive backs had been silent all night, but suddenly Asante Samuel's name was well known as a burn victim. The rest was up to the defense. Even though Patrick Chukwurah summoned the spirit of Darren Drozdov and puked on the field, it was the Patriots who looked like they had were huddled over a toilet. They did have one masterful 80 yard drive in which Tom Brady went 8/8 and found Doug Gabriel for a TD. The Patriots looked like a basketball team running the fast break. But just like in basketball, the opposing team essentially took a momentum timeout and the Patriots were done. Just before Javon Walker's first TD, Plummer and Mike Shanahan were caught by cameras, arguing on the sideline. Today, the local fishwraps made a big deal of of this, saying "why would Plummer mouth off to his boss when Jay Cutler coudl come in at any time?!" Well, why wouldn't he? Reportedly, they were arguing over playcall delays and formations. Plummer needed to get some information out. I compare this to Brian "I am a Steaming Pile of Shit" Griese, who would sit there, not say ANYTHING and nod with his stupid open-mouth stare. At least Plummer has the cahones to speak up when he has something to say. If the Broncos had lost, this clip would have made ESPN and the NFL Network for over-analysis by dickheads like Randy Cross. But since the Broncos won, it's no big deal. And it isn't. Beating the Patriots doesn't mean it's time to start making plans for Miami, but it is time to sell that cemetery plot you may have been buying for the Broncos' 2006 Season. The offense actually moved the ball this week. The defense beat up a non-Missouri, eastern, playoff caliber team. Don't think the east coast press won't notice that. Now it's into the BYE WEEK and the Donkies can feel good about themselves, no Prozac or psychiatric sessions required. Of course, that also means the BYE WEEK SPECIAL is coming up, next week! This year's Special looks to be even cheesier than the Three Amigos video. Stay tuned.
FINAL CUTS ...||...I have no idea who that broad was who sang the Sunday Night Football opening tune (Pink?), but is anybody really nostalgic for Hank Williams, Jr? A screaming cowboy who couldn't rhyme or carry a tune. I mean, Hank was good on Hee-Haw, but his "Baaahhhhh! Are you read-ayyyy... we're gonna' play footballlll...it's on teeeeveee, yeah... we're gonna' play footballlll!" schtick got old in, oh... 1989. When your act is about as fresh as the Ickey Shuffle, it's time to update. (Dammit, less than a month into the reason and I've already made two Hee-haw references). ...||...With Plummer having a good game, guess who's left as the "2005 Play-off QB Who's Playing Like Shit"? Ben Roethlisberger. ...||...That big replay of a Fat Guy from Philadelphia recovering a fumble and running 100 yards for a TD: what really cracks me up about that is how 49ers QB Alex Smith is engaged in a hand-slapping match with another Eagle for the entire 100 yards. ...||... I liked David Diaz-Infante as a player, but Great Jimminy Fuck, WHY is this braindead clown still employed as a "sports reporter" by KOA? He has an excellent knowledge of cliches and over-used softball questions, like "just how nice is it to get a W on the road?" ...||...The Week Two "my boy" award: I'll go with the obvious choice: WR Javon Walker. Runner-up would be D.J. Williams. Comment about this article. Contact The Asshole Who Wrote This!
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