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Cincinnati Bengals (W 24-23) Bullshit aside, the Broncos got a good dose of luck on Christmas Eve. Chad Johnson dropped several balls and the gimpy-armed Carson Palmer threw off-target. Johnson even fumbled away one of his three catches. It was enough that the Broncos were able to hide the return of Darrent Williams to the starting lineup and still steal a win. The Bengals also regressed to the Bungles, comitting several key penalties at crucial instances. Okay, so it was mostly luck. The Broncos provided a little chicanery by running a misdirection toss back to QB Jay Cutler in the second quarter. The ball was snapped directly to Rod Smith. Smith ran to the right and it appeared he might throw deep. Smith lateralled back to Cutler, who flung it deep to Brandon Marshall. The ball sailed on Cutler a bit, but Marshall was able to land inside the 2 yard line, setting up a short TD lob to Tony Scheffler three plays later. Cutler also found a wide open Javon Walker for another TD strike in the first half. With 2 TDs in his first four games, Cutler now joins Dan Marino in that category. And yes, coincedentally, both have the same number of Super Bowl rings. In the second quarter, Ding Dong #1 fumbled for the second straight week. TO mkae matters even worse, the fumble was recovered by Deltha O'Neal (still IN....the National Football League). The Bengals turned it into seven points when Palmer found Chris Henry. Ding Dong #1 found the bench and only carried once more after the turnover. Two weeks ago, Ding Dong #1 was less than 100 yards from the 1,000 mark. At the rate he's going, it could be mid-April before he reaches the total. Especially in the last two weeks, he's been running as if there's an electric fence on the line of scrimmage and crossing it will send 8,000 volts to his scrotum. Ding Dong #2 took the majority of the carries afterwards. The third quarter was when the Donkeys made a difference in the game's outcome. Pinned at their own 1 yard line for about the 578th time this year, they proceeded to drive 99 yards for a touchdown. With a 99 TD drive, and with the abundance of Worthless Stats on NFL broadcasts, I'm surprised nobody mentioned that this was the LONGEST DRIVE IN NFL HISTORY.They were helped by a defensive holding call on 3rd down. Memory's foggy, but I believe it was Deltha O'Neal again. For once, his screw-ups actually helped the Broncos. With less than five minutes left and Cincinnati with the ball, the Darrent Williams Plague returned. Williams had an interception, or "anti-touchdown pass" in the first quarter, but T.J Houshmandzadeh ran up, down, under and over him in the fourth. Carson Palmer (former MTV VJ and host of a shitty late-night talk show) drove the Bungles down the field and found Houshmandzadeh for what seemed to be the tying touchdown. In the strangest bit of luck since, well a Panthers-Saints game in 2004, the PAT snap was wide and the Bungles never got the kick up. John Lynch smotheredthe ball and Denver had miraculously escaped with a 1 point victory. Cincinnati lined up for the onside kick and actually recovered it. But, another Bungles penalty forced a re-kick and Denver recovery. Old Football Adages 101 tells us "special teams should win you at least one game a year". If you make it through the first week of class, you also find out that "special teams should cost you at least one loss a year". Marvin Lewis and the Bungles proved that seldom-cited Law of Football. I certainly hope Jake Plummer got to shake hands with Lewis after the game. Plummer's been doing a top-notch job of holding PATs all year long. Lewis might want to give him a call in March. Final Summary: Donkeys are currently the #5 seed (or, if you don't want any negative waves, Moriarty, they're the #1 WildCard Seed). They still need to beat San Francisco at home, next week, to clinch that spot. Good news: Denver should make the playoffs. Bad news: they might have to go to Indianapolis again.
FINAL CUTS ...||...At the beginning of the game, the Broncos PA annoncer introduced Jay Cutler as "quarterback, #6...from SANTA CLAUS, Indiana...". Later on, the cheerleaders all wore Santa hats. I'm surpised that nobody sent a letter to the stadium office, complaining how the Broncos were blatantly celebrating a christian holiday. ...||...Also noticed that Jake Plummer is still a captain on the team. He was out for the opening coin toss, along with team leaders Rod Smith, John Lynch, Al Wilson and Keith Burns. Nice move by Mike Shanahan to not deprive Plummer of his status. ...||...I'll give the Invesco Field crew some credit. They've come up with an ingenious way to keep your beer cold during the game. They saw fit to stock SNOW in every cupholder in the stadium. It's a great idea... I hear the Dolphins might try it next year. Comment about this article. Contact The Asshole Who Wrote This!
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