G.I. Joe : Cold Slither #1

Writer: Tim Seeley
Pencils: Juann Cabal

Summary

In an alternate “What if..?” timeline, based on the 1980’s “G.I. Joe” cartoon, Cold Slither and Cobra really DID take over the world. Due to rewatches of the original “Cold Slither” video, the entire world was subliminally brainwashed and Cobra took over. Now, Hector Ramirez has begun filming a documentary on what the retired Cold Slither has been up to. Ripper is living in “Minnetonka, Cobrasota”, Torch plays special events, Ripper has returned to academia, and Zartan has found inner peace by running a “dojopalooza”.

Ramirez gets the band to reunite and perform again, streaming the event worldwide. Turns out “Hector” was really Lady Jaye in disguise. The new broadcast of Cold Slither’s music negates the original “subliminal enslavement”. The G.I. Joe team has been undercover, around the world, all this time. With the added help of the world’s populace, they’re able to overthrow Cobra in 3 pages. The Cold Slither boys have a final toast before it all ends.

Notes:

• Sure, this wasn’t intended to be serious, as the entire thing is played for laughs. Yet, there’s a mild attempt at some messaging in here. Such as “Hector” saying: “..taking back our freedom is always a fight against those would use fear — but who are so often much weaker than they appear.”
• My thought was that, while it was fun, I expected a bit more “Spinal Tap” to the story. The whole twist that Cold Slither and Cobra really DID take over the country wasn’t really necessary, in my opinion.
• Kinda’ makes the Joes looks like chumps, as they apparently sat around for years until putting a plan into motion. I suppose you could No-Prize it and surmise that the Joes had led various uprisings, over the years, but they weren’t successful until they tried to crack the Cold Slither code, so to speak.
• This may be the only story/episode I’ve seen where Buzzer’s former career as a sociology professor is mentioned and actually USED. Which begs the question: then why was he such an idiot while with the Dreadnoks?
• Zartan likes to say “bruh” alot, as he scams people in his martial arts training program. He has a distinctly different personality from what was in the cartoon, and mentions that he can’t hold himself together and “be Zartan again”. Likely a callback to the psychological profile on his original filecard: “Extreme paranoid schizophrenic. Grows into various multiple personalities to such an extent that the original personality becomes buried and forgotten.”
• Lady Jaye uses a holographic/digital projection collar to disguise herself as Hector Ramirez. Unlike the cartoon, where characters would always disguise themselves under a ridiculous mask. For example, I recall one episode where Zartan ripped off his mask, and his HOOD was already on his head.
• In an oddity, Dusty is shown actually wearing his googles and no headdress.
• Most of the Joes appear as cameos; and I think all had appeared in the cartoon. So nobody past 1987. Falcon, Jinx and Chuckles are the latest Joes to appear.
• Some Night-Creepers and (blue) Alley Vipers appear in a cameo, but I think they appeared in the 1991-1992 DIC cartoons.
• Roadblock’s one line of dialogue rhymes, of course. “Dang. Livin’ undercover was definitely sleazy.. but I was real good at flippin’ over easy”. He worked as a chef, naturally.
• Ramirez says: “I’ve talked to everyone.. from rockstars to robotic man-trucks to subterranean lava gods”. References to Jem, Transformers and Inhumanoids, respectively.
• There’s also a quick reference to the cartoon’s “Stinky”. The small-time (pun intended) gangster with the incorrect vocabulary usage, who “gave” Cobra the money to finance the Cold Slither project.
• Until I got to the back cover of this comic, I had no idea that someone had put together an actual 2025 Cold Slither album. I thought it was just a faux ad, so it was a fun bonus that I could immediately look it up on my streaming music service. I ended up adding two or three tracks to my All-Time Nifty Tunes playlist. Begun in May 1988, it now sits at 1,774 tunes for 123 hours of no-repeats. Aretha Franklin, Iron Maiden, Soul Coughing, Mastodon, Emmett Otter’s Jugband..it’s all in there.
• Strangely enough, I also found out that there was an older hip-hop artist/group that also used the name “Cold Slither” about 10 years ago. He has a song called “Home Warriors” with samples of the frickin’ Road Warriors and Paul Ellering, so that also made my list.
• I really liked the art on this thing, though. I’d be cool with Juann Cabal and (colorist) Rex Lokus on the regular Hama title.
• Without the bonus of discovering the music (or “soundtrack”), this was a 2 Flag Point rating. The music bumps it up to another wishy-washy 3 Flag Points. Keep in mind that I’ve never been a huge fan of the cartoon; even as a kid in the 80’s during its first run.

Appearances:

Characters (figures): Zartan, Torch, Ripper, Buzzer, Destro, Cobra Commander, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, Cover Girl, Stalker, Duke

Characters (figures with cameos): Footloose, Snake-Eyes, Shipwreck, Spirit (w/Freedom), Jinx, Falcon, Flint, Rock and Roll, Hawk, Bazooka, Mutt & Junkyard, Chuckles, Beach Head, Dusty, Baroness, Tomax and Xamot

Characters (CARTOON only): Hector Ramirez

Vehicles and stuff: Cobra HISS, Cobra Hydrofoil (cameo), Cobra Terror Drome (cameo as a White House replacement)